my heart cries out...

Sometimes my heart just hurts. There are days when the emptiness almost consumes me. I'm not sure how hollowness can cause so much pain. As I think and reflect on it, the conclusion that comes to mind is that I long for heaven. I yearn for it, ache for it, desire to be in the presence of my Lord. This world is not my home. It has left me battered and bruised, grappling for control and sinking further and further into a pit of dispair. But heaven awaits me and I wait in anticipation of that glorious day when I will see my Savior face to face.

I work with a recovery program at church that is based on the 12 steps of AA. It is an amazing ministry and I am priviledged beyond words to walk beside the women in my small group as they see victory over their hurts, habits, and hang-ups. Every week we say the Serenity Prayer. Lately, the words have a deeper meaning as I wrestle with my own issues and fears. It's a beautifully simple yet powerful prayer:

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that You will make all things right

if I surrender to Your will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with You

forever in the next.

Amen.

'cause nobody wants to be the last one there...

I am so tired of being the last one chosen for kickball.

it's a typical situation...

Okay, I'm declaring war! I'm sick and tired of always being tired and feeling blah. The blah is more to do with a physical blah. My poor body desperately wants to work out but I am usually so dang tired that it's all I can do to drive myself home after opening shift.

I just went to the grocery store and spent a lot of money on some healthier options. If I have fruit and veggies in the fridge to snack on, I won't eat cereal or something fattening as often. It really needs to be a conscious effort. Most of the time I am so tired that I can't even make it to the grocery store; tonight, though, I knew it was a dire situation and that if I didn't go, I'd be eating some sort of Mother Hubbard style breakfast tomorrow.

When the semester ended, I was so looking forward to having more free time so that I could focus on getting myself back in shape and eating better. Instead, summer classes have proven to be bigger bears than I thought and I'm just as swamped as I was during the semester. I need a vacation!

Next summer I'm not sure I'll do the class thing. I really want to go overseas again. I miss speaking Spanish so I want to go to a Latin American country. I'll have to look into missions trips but the problem isn't finding one because there are tons to choose from. I'm getting way ahead of myself, though...still have a loooong time before next summer!

what's good enough for you is good enough for me...

“The great enemy of the life of faith in God is not sin, but the good which is not good enough. The good is always the enemy of the best.”--Oswald Chambers

I so often settle for “good” when God wants the best for my life. I make the choices of where I will go, what I will do, etc, instead of allowing Him to make the choices for me. What I choose isn’t ultimately bad, but it isn’t the best which leaves me not quite satisfied. I long to get to that point where my faith rules my heart and mind and I turn to God for every decision.

my shadow's the only one that walks beside me...

I think one of the saddest things for me to witness is someone living a life in which no one truly knows them.

it's bad when you annoy yourself...

I don't want to be overly negative here, but here are some things that have really annoyed me lately!

*People who are fake! Why can't people just be real? You know, authentic, honest, open? It drives me crazy how people will say something to a bunch of people and you know they are lying through their teeth because they told you a completely different, real, version of what is going on. If people would just be authentic, we wouldn't have nearly as many problems in the world. Instead, others want to present a false self. Why?!

*Drivers in Dallas. I hate driving here. If someone else offers, I always take them up on it! People don't use their signals here because if you do, the person in the next lane will actually speed up so you can't get over. What the heck?! Common courtesy does not exist in Dallas traffic.

*People who don't respond when you say "hello" or "good morning". On the courtesy note, I say hello and good morning a lot in my job. Not only is it part of my job, I enjoy brigthening someone's day by giving them a warm greeting. What do I get in return about half the time? "Triple tall vanilla non-fat latte." Um, okay. Would you like a side of politeness to go with that? Why is it so hard for people to say hello back? Instead, I get an order barked at me as if I'm a slave. Maybe I should blame this one on the fact that people come in before they've had their fix?

*Puppy's incessant barking. A neighbor in my apartment complex has just gotten a very cute puppy. Don't get me wrong, the thing is precious. But what do puppies do? They whine and cry and bark all night! Okay, this wouldn't be bad except that they leave the poor thing on the balcony so that the rest of us are tortured by it. If you can't handle a puppy's crying, don't get a puppy!

*Men who are not gentlemen. I'm not asking for much here, but it would be nice to have the door held open for me. Especially if I have my hands full and it's obviously going to be a struggle to get it open myself. Yesterday I walked toward a restaurant door and a guy was a few steps ahead of me. Not only did he not open the door for me, he didn't even do the walk through and hold it open behind him thing. I guess he just couldn't stand the thought of even a millisecond separating him from his fried rice! Heaven forbid he actually allow a woman to get in line ahead of him!

Okay, that's enough for now...

dreamscapes

I'd just like to know, will my dreams ever come true?

i still haven't found what i'm looking for...

I am currently going through a crisis of faith. It's not one of those full-blown "ready to throw in the towel on Christianity" kinds of crises but more of a "what the heck am I supposed to do with my life?!" variety. I have always struggled with figuring out what my passions are, where I am most gifted and how those talents can be used to glorify God. Most of the time I feel uninspired, blah, without purpose. My life isn't a bad one; God has always provided above and beyond for my needs. I have loving friends, a wonderful living situation, an adorable (although non-cuddly) cat, 2 fun jobs--the list goes on and on. Plus, I am finally going to grad school, something I have been dreaming about for years. Yet, even in the midst of all this, I still feel uncertain. Now that I am taking classes to pursue a Masters in counseling, I find myself doubting. Is this really the right path? Is this where my gifts will best be utilized for God's glory?

So many of my friends, most of them younger, seem to have it figured out on this front; they know who they are and what they want to do. I flounder daily from one thought to the next. Today I want to be a counselor but tomorrow I will want to serve overseas as a missionary again while next week I will want to work with youth in a church setting. And all the while, none of it gets my heart pumping with excitement. They are all good options and I'm sure that I could do a good job at them because I am hard working and determined. But I want something that makes me jump out of bed in the morning and exclaim, "I can't believe I actually get paid to do this for a living!!!" I have met people who have this experience but is it realistic for the majority of us?

I certainly don't want to be defined by what I do because I know that my identity is secure as a child of God, yet I long to be excited about what I'm doing with my life. Am I being too self-focused? Do I fail to see the big picture? What am I missing? I feel like I can't see the big neon sign right in front of my face, kind of like the time I was talking to a friend on my cell phone while getting ready to go somewhere and I said, "Where the heck is my phone!" She graciously (and without too much laugther) reminded me that I was on it.